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10:05am 29/09/2003

From now on this journal shall be friends only. I don't care to have people I don't know reading this. Actually, I don't care to have people I DO know reading this without my knowledge. So, if you should want to be added to my friends list, email me and tell me who you are and if I don't know you I'll add you. If I do know you, I might or I might not. If I don't, it either means I don't like you or I don't feel like you need to know so much about me. So cry about it.

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09:33am 29/09/2003
mood: enraged
To hell with people, to hell with boys, to hell with everything, fuckall and shitfire.

I am so tired of trying. Every time I try to be nice, and say how I really feel about someone I care for in lieu of being sarcastic and rude, I am beshat for my troubles. Last night I attempted to compliment a certain friend and was given in exchange a rude response. That's why I don't like people. Every goddamn time I open up something horrible happens. How dare anyone tell me to be less hateful? How dare anyone tell me to be nice? The sheer audacity of people in telling me how to behave, in telling me my opinions and emotions are too strong. Makes me want to blow things up. I know I have strong opinions. I think I'm the normal one and everyone else is just walking around half dead. Fucking antidepressants will do that to people. Everyone in the world is all hopped up on paxil and wellbutrin and shit, but I'm the weird one. Okaaaay... Perhaps I really am just too intense, as I've postulated before. I don't have any emotions on the middle range of things. I don't see how anyone could. That's why I don't comprehend the complacency of Buddhism. Taoism, that I like. It's just about autistic enough for me.

Random. But yeah. I'm just tired and feeling slighted. Everything gets so fucked up. Whatever I touch, it seems.

I'm going back to college as soon as goddamn possible. It's the best place to withdraw from life. Probably starting UNCG in the spring. Just get a damn degree in music history and linguistics and then go wherever the hell I want for graduate school because state schools are easy. And I like Greensboro. I can get good drugs in Greensboro.

Speaking of good drugs, if anyone wants to give me any, feel free. I feel a great need to get good and otherworldly for a few hours. If at first you don't succeed, go get fucked up.

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I am so damn unlucky.   
03:13pm 23/09/2003
  I just am. Luck is not something I have ever had. In fact, my luck works in reverse. I have a lot of character, however. Shitty life experience builds character. So when I finally go completely mad and start killing people who piss me off, I'll do it with plenty of style and panache.

Crappy crappy crap in a crapbasket.

Life really isn't all that awful. I just wish it would be even slightly smooth or easy for once. Like, a decent job with a steady paycheck, someone to come home to at night, and no stupid dogs, dirty roommates (okay, I''m starting to get annoyed with one person's lack of ability to put a goddamn dish in the dishwasher), piss on the carpet (dog again), and outstanding debt.


I have a hangover and I didn't even do anything last night. I think I am getting someone else's hangovers, and when I find out who it is, he's got it coming.

Saw Spun last night. Very well done. Reminded me of every tweaker I've ever known.

A certain someone is sending some very mixed signals, which are unfortunately mixed on the wrong side of things. I am attempting over time to shift the balance, god knows why since I'll probably fuck it up within the space of a month anyway.

Anyone who is familiar with English history ought to read "1066 And All That". It's a humorous retelling of British history. Very humorous. If you're a dork like me, I suppose.

Ever notice how whenever you go into a video store or music store or library, all the things you wanted to check out are suddenly gone from your working memory? Well, I have that problem with the livejournal. I can never remember all the profound and important things I wanted to write about once I'm finally sitting here. And it all becomes bitching about my current preoccupation. Fuck all this noise. I'm going to buy a soda and grump silently at people I don't know. Someone visit me, or call, or something. Goddamn. For real. 704-232-3974. That's my number. Yes, I bought a phone. The world is ending. Fuck you all. Graah!


Oh, I shaved off a majority of my hair. All but the bangs. It looks cute. Michael liked it a lot, but I think it makes my head look too big. Whatever.
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01:04pm 15/09/2003
mood: confused
Everything is absolutely crappy and wonderful at the same time.


Crud, too.

I spent the weekend in Asheville, for the most part sleeping on a warehouse floor in the arms of someone whom I am starting to love, I think, and that sucks because I don't suppose it'll ever work out. There was hiking in the forest in the mountains, cold clear streams to drink from, wild blueberries and blackberries and all sorts of other great things that one should only experience with someone who is totally in love with you, thereby making it craptastically amazing because said person is not. Cruddence. Ecrapulation. It feels like having a boyfriend yet not being able to touch. This is so stupid. I'll just fuck it up anyway if it does happen to go in the direction I'm hoping for. Hellfire.

I feel very uncreative lately. I need to be doing more. I'm already in three frigging bands and writing more than I ever have, and I still feel useless. What do I have to do to give my life meaning? I know intellectually that I'm pretty fucking amazing, good looking, and a good friend but I still feel utterly worthless.

My roommates annoy me. This is nothing new. They're cool, I'm just easily irritated. Very easily irritated, apparently. Everyone just seems so full of shit. I'm sure I'm the same way because I can hear myself talking and being social and doing all these things that piss me off when I see other people doing them. I need to learn how to be absolutely silent, and stop trying to make other people feel comfortable with my weirdness. Fuck them all. I shall talk when I need to say something and no other time. Silence=mystery=attractiveness=me. Or something.

Fuckitty fuck fuck fucker fuck fuck fuck. I am not very amused by this VERY rapidly fluctuating emotional state I am currently in. Boredom/ennui/joy/anger/annoyance/despair/love/fear, all of it at once.

I was also reminded this weekend of how perfectly holy an evergreen forest is. It's like a temple, with the soft, quiet stillness of the forest floor, barren except for pine needles and odd mushrooms, and the cathedral like branches blocking out all but the softest yellow green light, just like stained glass but even more amazing. Again, something to be shared with a lover who can appreciate it, and not with a friend whom you can't reach.

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please be gentle. I don't post my writing often.   
08:23am 08/09/2003
mood: crappy
I know you don't love me but come with me anyway.
I know she won't let you but who is she anyway?
Sonorous, luminous; light and sound.
Tearing to tatters what is still left.
And hold my hand because I can't take it.
It's too beautiful; I don't think I'll make it.

I know you can't hear it but listen anyway.
I know you don't feel it but touch me anyway.
Wondrous, perilous heart and mind.
Drawing my melody out through my eyes.
And hold my hand because I can't take it.
You're too beautiful and I can't take it.

All I am now is sound
Leaves crackling subtly on the ground.
All I am now is found.
Strands of silver tie me down.

I know you can't see me but look at me anyway.
I know it can't be me but hold to me anyway.
I know she won't let you but come with me anyway.
For I can't forget you, so stay with me anyway.
12:33pm 07/09/2003
  I heard there was a secret chord/that David played, that pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth/the minor fall, the major lift
A baffled king composing Hallelujahs

Your faith was strong, you needed proof/you saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to a kitchen chair/she broke your throne and cut your hair
And from your lips she drew a hallelujah

You say I took the Name in vain/Well, I don't even know the name
And if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word/it doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much/I couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I tell the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song
with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

--Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen.
More crap.   
01:37pm 02/09/2003
mood: determined
So, I believe I am going to have to drop Chemistry, as I cannot afford my books which will come to a whopping total of about 180 dollars for one damn class. I only pay 300 to fucking go to school, so shit. (Haha, I split an infinitive with an expletive. Hee.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about things in general. I'm not really sure why I'm not ruling the world yet. It's obvious that I'm better than nearly everyone I meet. Not to say that I'm not a total fuck; I am. That should reflect well my opinion of most other people, though.

I am very attractive. Short hair becomes me. And I dyed it green for the first time ever. It looks quite good. Not all green, of course--just the streaks in the front bit...those things...bangs, yeah. Anyway, so it's now green and the same dark-bluish purple color.

Also about my hair---today at Central Piedmont Crapmunity Crappage a very attractive boy with a labret piercing and shaggy brown hair (I do so love shaggy brown hair.) and big plugs in his earlobes told me he liked my hair and engaged me in conversation. His name is Steve. He's probably a dumbass, but who knows. He went to East Meck, but that was recently so I doubt any of my friends would know him. What's with all these youngsters? This one is probably 18. Still looks older than me. I swear, I need to start telling people my physical age instead of my chronological one because that's how everyone judges me anyway. So, from now on I'm 20.

I've decided to lie about my nationality as well as my age. In fact, I think I'll change it out by the week. Last week I was 24 and Armenian. This week I shall be 20 and Georgian. Not the state--the former Soviet territory where they speak a weird ergative language and are short and swarthy. (an example of weird georgian--cheshmaritad aghsdga=truly He is risen) Next week perhaps I'll be Greek and 21. As long as I stick to Eastern Europe and the Near East I ought to be able to keep people guessing. Haha. I hate people.

Why do I keep thinking I'm going to be able to sustain a relationship? It's already been proved to me that I can't. I suck at it, and people make me uncomfortable. There's always something wrong and it always eats at me until I'm about ready to burst. Obviously it's a personal problem. Everyone in the world can't be a shit, so it must be me. Or can they?

Maybe I'll go to Armenia and be Armenian after all. I could learn Armenian in a year.

Aghsdga is a combination of sounds that should never exist in a natural language. What's with Georgian anyway? Uzbekistan. Hrfft.

I've been reading far too many comic books. Subversive ones.
I am so tiresome.

My roommate's dog has decided that I am her owner and now follows me everywhere and sleeps on my bed and gets jealous of my cat. I don't care for dogs; particularly this one. It's smelly and noisy and irksome. Silly bitch. Can't help but be sweet to her though. She's an animal after all, and animals are superior to people because they aren't truculent, conniving, complicated or weird.

I don't think I want a boyfriend after all. I think I get brother-crushes or something dumb like that. I want someone to hang out with, play nintendo with, eat food with, do disreputable things with pharmaceuticals with, and share a bunk bed with. My mom always said that if you miss something in your childhood you'll try to recapture it as an adult. Sometimes that crazy drunk Donna-Reed lady says some pretty truthful things. Except when she's making stuff up. Like cotton in vitamin bottles is there to keep it fresh. Keep it fresh? Jesus. I believed her for years, too. Always kept the cotton in my vitamin bottles and ate fuzzy vitamins until a friend informed me of the real logical reason, which is to keep them from rattling about and breaking. Dammit.

They've changed the spellings of German. Not drastically, but enough to annoy me. I am wholeheartedly against any sort of spelling reform for any language at all. Even English. The only thing that lends elegance to this language is the wholly nonphonetic orthography. And besides, it's historically relevant. How else would we know that knight should really be pronounced...well, exactly as it's written. Stupid Great Vowel Shift. Isolated us from all the other Germanic languages, screwed up our pronounciation of Greek...and let's not get started on all the stupid French and Latin words. But yeah, German has changed the spelling and it's not for the better. I have special dispensation to continue with the old spellings because I learned German before they went and fucked with a perfectly good thing.

I am going to go before anyone who reads this has a seizure from boredom.

tora-b who lives directly across from Lang Van, Kathryn.
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03:51pm 29/08/2003
mood: apathetic
I have a house, in case I didn't tell anyone. So, I am living with three other people in a pretty cool house wherein I am not required to be obsessively neat or anything. It's great. I need a different job since Brueggers sucks. And I am taking classes merrily at CPCC. I really enjoy my classes. Suddenly I actually LIKE listening to lectures...never did before.

As far as the relationship thing goes, poo. I suppose I could be said to be on the prowl but who the fuck knows....not me, certainly.

Poo on all that crap. Or crap on all that poo. Whichever you prefer.

I finally found some kind of pomade that will actually make my hair stand on end. I've won, at last! Damn curly shitass hair. I win, I win, I win.

Anyway, yeah. Kathryn, I want to hang out with you! Denwa shitekure~! OH wait...I have no phone-you can't. I'll call you then.

That's all the interesting crap for me for right now. Buraa.

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A list of my current allergies.   
10:25pm 24/08/2003
mood: blah
Food:Mangos, bananas, pineapples, papayas, cherries, peaches, plums, nectarines, apricots, avocado, walnuts, pecans, almonds, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries, tomatoes, god knows what else.

Environmental: mold, mildew, goldenrod, ragweed, lilacs, wisteria, roses, amber, grass, most pollen, unrefined cotton, anything that grows, pretty much. dogs, rabbits, hedgehog saliva (don't ask). tobacco smoke (now that i've quit).

Random: nickel, yellow #5 (one in every 500,000 people).

That's all I can remember for right now. This sucks. Allergies suck ass. At least I'm no longer allergic to cats.

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06:57pm 21/08/2003
mood: crappy
Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that I've cut off all of my hair. It's quite short now. I mean, there are people with significantly shorter hair, but mine is pretty damn short for those who know me well enough actually to have seen me in person before. Anyway, hopefully I'll be in the new living place tomorrow. I went to the old one yesterday to clean and get stuff and it was all lockded* up and someone had put up a curtain.

So, I slept in my car, in my clothes, in the parking lot of the Taj MaTeeter** last night. The real Taj MaTeeter. Not the one that people in Greensboro think is a Taj MaTeeter. So yeah. That was certainly interesting. In a horrendously uncomfortable and boring way.

And today, I broke into the old place by going through a window. I was so nervous I was shaking like a...shaking thing. I've never broken and entered any property that wasn't rightly mine before. I'm sure an old lady saw me and has called all her friends and told them. Whatever. I just needed to get my toothbrush and my drugs. I can't stand having dirty teeth. Or not knowing where my illegalities are.

I have no money. This means I shall not be eating today or tomorrow or the next day or for god knows how long. Perhaps I can get somewhere to bake bread. Or make some traveller's biscuits..which means you cook unleavened dough lumps until they can't possibly be stale. Kinda like crackers. Or rocks. Hell, they keep you alive at least.

Tonight I shall be returning to get my other illegalities and the rest of my shit. Fortunately this time I remembered to bring a key. I don't see why people lock doors in that neighborhood. It's the safest damn place in the city. Nothing but retirees and smack in the middle of one of the richest parts of town. It's a fucking two bedroom condominium that rents for 1000 dollars a month, for fuck's sake. Fortunately I was not paying this exorbitant amount.

So, classes at CPCC are going well. I am taking Chemistry, German, possibly another language or another science, and playing in an Early Music ensemble. (That means dorky ancient instruments like harpsichord and recorder and crumhorn. I love being a dork. Although I must say that I am the coolest dork I know.)

I think I am only typing now to take up time. These update-on-daily-life entries are so hideously boring. I'm sorry to subject the reader to such drivel but sometimes I just need to type things up in order to sort out my situation in my head.

There are crises with the juvenile delinquent. Twatty.

If anyone wants to buy me food...uh, I don't have a phone so nevermind.


I'm really fucked.

Haha. This is great.


Jesus, that's enough.


*That grammatical error was for the purpose of cadence and to demonstrate the extent of my surprise and irritation, as well as the sudden vomitous feeling I had.

**The Taj MaTeeter is a very, very....yea, obscenely large grocery store normally known as Harris Teeter on the corner of Fairview and something else in the Morrocroft (or some such shit) shopping center in South Charlotte.

That is all.

This fucking library has cookies disabled, and I cannot check my email. Haesslich.

-tora, again
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01:17pm 19/08/2003
mood: weird
Jesus, Mary and Joseph...this isn't going to be terribly coherent at all...

Last night I got some of what is called 2ct-2, a phenethylamine related to other drugs in the 2c series such as 2cb and 2ct-7. Let me just say, it was pretty damned amazing. I started seeing things move at around 3:30am and was still seeing things...well, some stuff is still moving around now. Lots of enhancement of music, feeling of well-being, all that. Moderately annoying body load. (It makes you feel kinda crappy the next day, in other words. No worse than drinking too much and a hell of a lot more fun and profitable.)

I really have no way of describing such an experience to those who haven't had any psychedelic experiences before. But I recommend it. It's like LSD except not at all. I'd like to try it in a higher dose next time, see if I can't get it to do anything more.


So other than that, life has been going well. I am working at goddamn Brueggers starting this week, and probably moving in with a friend named Amanda. So, as I've said, life is going well. Very well. And there's a new, inexpensive psychedelic drug in town. OH, and I'll be able to get bunnicula back soon! Yaaaaay!

06:34am 09/08/2003
mood: bouncy
I had a lovely night. Hung out with some friends, tried to forget things that suck, dyed a friend's hair and mine again. I bleached streaks in his...like, little thin highlighting streaks...and then faded from dark dark blue to purple to red at the bottom layer of streaks. Used a cap and everything. It looks really fucking awesome. Especially the couple parts where the blond streaks retreated under the cap so I couldn't dye them and gives it a nice...summery?...look. Ha. I really want to be a colorist.

I bleached out half a black part of my hair and half a blue streak. The black hair went blond of course, so I then put in some blood red. The blue hair turned this neato teal color. So now I have even weirder hair.

And tomorrow SOMEONE IS GOING TO GO TO OBON MATSURI WITH ME DAMMIT AND IF I HEAR THAT SOME PEOPLE WENT WITHOUT ME I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE I CAN'T GO TO A MATSURI ALONE! So take me to bon odori. Or just go with me. Dammit. Kathryn and Valerie and whoever else. My number is 704-522-0502, and keep calling because I'm hard to awaken.

So, here's to a day well spent with no hint of depression at all...yay. MAybe things are looking up finally.

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12:12am 08/08/2003
  I am a total bastard.....

A total bastard, I repeat.

And I should probably be hit in the head with a blunt object.

I cut my hair, for those I haven't told. It's now about chin length, a bit longer. I sorta just hacked off the ponytail and that kinda gave it this a-line look...shorter in the back, longer in front. I feel so goth...haha. Particularly with the blue streaks.

But back to me being a bastard. Yeah. I'm a bastard.

At least I'll have some money since I had to ask my fellow bandmate Lee for a loan. I again feel like a worthless twat. A pucacchia, even.

I'm so sorry, Bradley. I tried to tell you I wasn't worth it. And I didn't want to be another one who did something terrible to you. I should have stopped things before they started.

11:27pm 06/08/2003
  Everything is absolutely awful. I don't like bitching. But that's the only time I ever feel like writing.

In two weeks time I shall have nowhere to live.
I haven't got a job yet and I'm not doing well.
I can't ask my parents for any more than they've already given me.
I'm putting myself in a very uncomfortable situation whereupon I cannot elaborate.
I don't really like any of the people I see daily.
The person I'm staying with is fairly verbally abusive and quite selfish.
I can't leave because I have nowhere else to go.
Which brings us back to the first problem.
11:22pm 06/08/2003
mood: depressed
I am not self-centered. I am not girly. I am not something to be ridiculed. I know my flaws well and they are not these things. And the bitch who says so has so many problems herself that she feels she has to point out shit in other people so that she doesn't have to think about her own.

At least I don't lie.

06:19pm 03/08/2003
  Okay, everything is really weird, and I want to simplify my life by moving somewhere isolated, being a subsistence farmer, and buying lots of land mines to put around the outer perimeter.

Things fall apart, and I don't know what to make of anything. Vague, I know, but that's all you're going to get.

I'm probably going totally batty.



night is old age with grief coming/but adorning man and evening/pale light from us will be streaming/all through the night.
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what a weird frigging night.   
06:10am 02/08/2003
mood: annoyed
Okay. Tonight was strange and somewhat embarrassing. I was at a friend's house for a stupid party (it was actually a pleasant gathering of a few delightful people but nevertheless) and all was going well until the conversation turned to the fact that I have never had anything up my ass. I have no desire to put anything in my ass. These friends of mine seem to think this would be a great idea and change my life somehow. I mean, hell. Why on earth is everyone so concerned with my body, my ass, and my...yeah, my ass? These sick motherfuckers talked about my ass in the third person for nearly two hours. I mean, damn. If y'all are so keen on anal violation, stick things up your own damn asses.

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Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight which he hath made crooked?   
08:43pm 01/08/2003
  A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.
It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity.
Surely oppression maketh a wise man mad; and a bribe destroyeth the heart.
Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.
Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not inquire wisely concerning this.
Wisdom is good with an inheritance: and by it there is profit to them that see the sun.
For wisdom is a defence, and money is a defence: but the excellency of knowledge is, that wisdom giveth life to them that have it.
Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked?
In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him.
reading the Bible can be fun.   
05:23pm 01/08/2003
mood: contemplative
O, that thou wert my brother,
nursed at my mother's breast.
If I met thee out of doors, I would kiss thee
and none would revile me.
I would lead thee, bring thee in
to the home of my mother,
into the chamber of she who bore me.
I would give thee spiced wine to drink,
pomegranate juice.
O, that his left hand were beneath my head
and that his right arm embraced me.
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem
Wake not my love until it is time.

Set me as a seal upon thine heart,
as a seal upon thine arm;
For strong as death is love,
fierce as the grave is devotion;
its flames are a blazing fire
a most vehement flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
neither can the floods drown it.
Were one to offer all he owns to purchase love,
he would be scorned.
11:40am 30/07/2003
mood: annoyed
I am so sick and goddamn tired of everything.

I need massive amounts of pot and perhaps an entire anime series on dvd to watch. Or a shitload of old school nintendo games. Lock doors, get fuckered up, and pretend that a nuclear holocaust has destroyed everyone in the world but me.

It seems so easy sometimes and then everything starts to suck. I really can't elaborate. I just have this feeling of greyness which is rapidly growing blacker. I'm sure there are some contributing factors, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I think I'm nearly completely done with society and people. I wonder if it's too late for Holy Orders.....

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